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Old 12-12-2017   #9
neutrohn
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 32

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Default humility

hello,

first i was diapointed of 4th place, because i aimed for gold.

then i was happy about 4th place because other would have diserved it as well. so it was an honor and i felt proud.

now, i think i dont deserve it anymore... everytime i win something or get recognition, attention or positive feedback, i become a big ego-ass. i dont use success, may it come in diferent ways, as orientation for myself or motivation for myself. no, i exculsivly use it for my competition against everthing. my big dream of beeing better then others and overcome all of human.

thats sad isnt it?

its so hard to see difference between my narzistic feel of i have the right that other respect me and iam allowed to respect myself.

to see the difference between i have the right that others love me and i allow myself to love myself.

after all, even that i actaully express so much anger against this world and other people are always the problem and everybody else do wrong things, this universe still send me a gift like that from time to time.

honestly, beneath "i dont deserve that", what is stil an ego identification, iam in a state of

humility right now.

thank you.
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